The Happening...at Walmart

I witnessed the most amazing thing this evening.

The Sprout and I were at our local SUPER WALMART. The wife had yoga (ohmmm) and we had some time to kill. I had not picked up Quantum of Solace yet and the sprout wanted Bolt. So we dropped off mommy with her pea green yoga mat and drove on over.

We left the lotus blossoms at home.

We walked in and the first thing we had to do was pick up some milk. No sooner had I placed the milk container in the cart when an ear piercing squeal shattered my ear drums and cracked the surface of my brain. It repeated in pulses of three, with about a five second pause in between pulses. The Sprout threw her hands over her ears and hit the deck in the cart, the terrified look of a London toddler during a midnight blitzkrieg on her face. Overhead strobes began to pulse in time with the horrid sound.

"Daddy," she squealed, "why is Walmart yelling at us?"

I told her I didn't know as I began pushing the cart through the store.

Everywhere people stopped in their tracks, many with a Walmart consumable in their hands, and looked up. It reminded me of the scene in The Happening when the evolutionally superior, evil, pissed off plants of the world sent their mind altering spores into the wind. The doomed Homo Sapien Apes stood rooted to the spot, looking pensive, like they were trying to decide between paper or plastic at the grocery store, before committing violent acts of suicide using broken glass, lawn mowers, and some achingly wooden acting.

Thankfully no one tried to take their own life with Walmart brand cleaner, but people stood transfixed. Some moved in my direction to the front, but many did not. A few even kept shopping once their senses cleared, eyeing other customers suspiciously lest they make a sudden rush on their cart to loot what had not even purchased yet.

We got to the front and the employees were ushering people back in, even though the doomsday alarm was still blaring. They were telling people it was only a test. Call me crazy...but a warning before the test might have been a nice courtesy, yes?

The "test" was conducted three more times before we were able to snag our purchases and escape to the quiet of the Middletown streets. The Sprout got so frustrated toward the end that she started yelling back, telling Walmart to be quiet and stop trying to trick people into thinking there was a fire.

So...that's just a longwinded way to say there won't be a blog post tonight because I am going to watch Bond...James Bond.