I am a 34 year old man who is in your state currently visiting in-laws. Yes I know that sounds painful and I thank you in advance for your commiserative wince, but there is something giving me much greater discomfort than that. It is something I have had to deal with on a daily basis. And it inspires a question, which is the purpose for this letter. Can I ask you just what the hell is up with the roads in Tulsa?
No really.
Riding in a van on these roads is like trying to drive over a recently demolished building. It is the vehicular equivalent of the bumper card ride at an amusement park. Do car dealerships in Tulsa sell cars with cup holders? It is a wasted feature if they do. Even the staunchest of cup holders cannot prevent the major spillage that occurs from a drive through town.
In all fairness and in the spirit of full disclosure, I should tell you that I had hernia surgery a little more than two weeks ago, so every bump and jolt carries more of a punch than it would otherwise. But even taking that into account, there can be no possible defense for the poor condition of the roads here. I've seen three dimensional maps of the Adirondack Mountains that looked flatter than the surfaces of some of the Tulsa streets I have ridden on.
Example. Driving down one stretch of Highway 169 I decided to count pot holes. I believe I gave up after ten. The surface of the "streets" around here are so pock-marked and uneven they rival the surface of the moon. I witnessed great cracked lines in the asphalt concrete that were filled in with tar that looked like it had been applied by a preschool age child with a penchant for coloring outside the lines. It would not surprise me in the least bit if I were to learn that Tulsa sells more shock absorbers per capita than any other American city. What do you people spend your money on around here? It sure as hell can't be on road upkeep.
Is there some reason the roads are so bad? Do the people who live in Tulsa enjoy this type of headache inducing driving? Is there some public official taking all the money that is supposed to be funneled for road maintenance and blowing it all at the casinos I see signs for every place I seem to turn? Is it an Oklahoma thing? I was in Kansas a few days ago and those roads were in far better shape. What's the story ODOT?
The roads in my home state of Delaware are by no means perfect but at least I don't have to worry about losing teeth when I drive over them. It is my humble suggestion that someone get up off their over sized haunches and fix this problem. Driving to Claude's for a burger should not feel like a contact sport.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have to go take two Percosets because my daughter wants me to drive her to Sonic.
Respectfully (kind of),
Brian H.
Editor's note: The author of this letter does not want to give the impression that visiting his in laws is a hell so deep there is no escape from it. Nothing could be further from the truth. The author wants to state unequivocally that his in laws are fine upstanding Americans and that he enjoys their company very much. The line in the letter above about visiting them being painful was put in simply for comedic effect. May he be eternally cursed to drive the roads of Tulsa if he is lying.
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Your blog is very entertaining. It makes me laugh out loud. Never knew that you were such a gifted writer.
ReplyDeleteI am full of surprises. You should see my ballet.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words.
I lived in Tulsa not too long ago, and yeah, the roads suck.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite memory of driving there is the time I got pulled over for "Driving While Mexican". I was REALLY tan that summer and I apparently looked like an illegal so I got pulled over just long enough for the cop to tell me all kinds of vaguely racist things before letting me go without giving me a ticket after he confirmed I had a valid license.
That's Tulsa for ya.
Wow...
ReplyDeleteMy pictures of Miller Hall may cheer you up....
ReplyDeleteI feel this Okie owes you an abject apology for the conditions you so aptly described on your visit to Tulsa. Be advised that if your in-laws ever opt to live a bit further south....as in Okie City, bribe, threaten, cajole or beg them to go North to Kansas, West to Amarillo or East to Arkansas. Oklahoma City's roads make Tulsa's look almost navigable!
ReplyDeleteWhere does the money go, you asked. I am going on the record to say that no one has been able to get an answer from the Oklahoma Dept. of Transportation in decades. They have fine-tuned their "double-speak" and greased so many palms of our fine government shills and the "worst newspaper" in the entire U.S. has never asked. Nor does that paper have any investigative reporters on staff!!!
Meanwhile,the highway guys have contracted a new 4 mile, gazillon lanes wide, re-route of I-40 and the exhorbant amount of Federal monies going into such an unnecessary re-route should definitely put your britches into knots. (You do pay Federal taxes, don't you?).