The drugs took my calendar and they won't give it back...

How did this happen? How is it August 17th already? The last 3 weeks or so have been a blur, a drug induced, swollen, sixties absorbing, hill billy praising blur. Where the hell has the time gone? Let's look at the highlights...

July 22 - Hernia Surgery

Ah yes...hernia surgery. This experience was about as much fun as a rectal examine performed by Captain Hook...and probably just as painful. The day of the surgery went well. They got me in, knocked me out, cut me open, patched me up, then waited until I pissed in a quart jar. Once my urine filling obligations were complete, I was given a prescription for Percoset and then sent home. The next five days were an odyssey of swollen testicles, drug induced constipation, rapidly cooling ice packs, and the not quite unpleasant fuzzy brained addledness that comes from the joy of two percosets taken every four hours or so. I won't make you loose your lunch with specific details of my experience such as the rapture of the first bowel movement I was able to have in DAYS. Percoset apparently stops the works in the large intestine. I am not quite sure why this happens and I am too tired to read up on the inner workings of my bowels. Just take my word for it when I tell you that lot's of percoset = a New York City sized back up of your inner workings. It took three days for the jam to resolve itself but when it did, it was one of the most joyous occasions in my life. It occurred on July 25th and I am not kidding...it was practically a religious experience, one which my limited writing skills would never to be able to do justice. Let's simply leave it at saying that hernia surgery was an experience I would pay great deals of money to never have to go through again.

July 28 - August 1 - University Project

I then spent the next week (still pretty heavily doped up) at the University working on a history project for teachers. It involved "modern history" which in this case meant primarily talking about "The Sixties". I found this amusing as I myself was pretty heavily drugged for most of it. It was a great week (except for the pain and my persistently swollen left testicle...which made sitting for hours at a time a very unpleasant experience) and I did really learn quite a lot, drugs or no drugs.

August 2 - August 11 - Trip to the Midwest

Every other year my wife's family has a reunion in Branson, Missouri. Up until two years ago I had never even heard of Branson. I was struggling for a way to describe Branson for those who have never gotten a chance to visit. I decided to use two quotes from The Simpsons instead. First are the lyrics to a song sung on the Episode called The Old Man and the Key in which Bart is dragged to Branson by Grandpa.

Ode To Branson

Remember the stars, you loved yesterday?
Where did they go? Did they all pass away?
Was it drugs or a car crush,
or a face lift gone wrong?
No they're right here in Branson
and they're singing, this song!
My name is Charo, I shake my maracas.
Remember me foo, I was BA Barachas.
We're the performers you thought were dead,
like Bonnie Franklin and Adrienne Zmed.
Branson's the place we can always be found.
They took NICK at Night and made it a town.
You can call me Ray or you can call me Jay.
Just don't call me washed up, I do three shows a day.
Charlie Callas doesn't sleep in the ground.
Yes I'm still alive an I'm making me sound.
vup hi vup hala voop voop.
So sit back, relax, and watch our review!
In Soviet Union, review watches you!

And second is a quote by Homer on that very same episode...

"Branson is just like Las Vegas would be if it was run by Flanders."


Oh. So. True.


We didn't only go to Branson. We also visited Wichita, Tulsa, and the long stretches of highway between them. It was a nice time spent with family we almost never get to see. The roads in Tulsa are epically horrible. For more on that click here.

Also in Tulsa we spent some time (almost an hour) at a great bookstore called Gardner's. I am usually not a huge fan of used book stores but this place is awesome. It is a huge store with the largest selection of new and used books I have ever seen in one place. And they don't just do books. They also sell comic books, graphic novels, and VHS and DVD movies. There is a coffee shop in one end of the store and a Mexican restaurant in the other. They are an independently owned bookstore which makes them cool as cucumbers in my book. If you are ever in Tulsa Oklahoma, looking for a relief from the brain rattling roads, Gardner's needs to be a stop. I truly wish they were closer to Delaware.

All in all it was a great vacation.

And now here I sit, at the beach, with the start of another school year just three days away. You will be happy to know that the pain from the hernia surgery is pretty much gone, the giggle berries are back to their proper size and proportions, the nightmares of an all night Yakov Smirnov, Andy Williams tag team show are fading, and I did not pull a Favre and get addicted to my pain meds. Life is pretty much back to normal.

Which begs the question...


It's late...why am I still awake?

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70 word Super Flash Fiction contest

Been spending some time hanging out at a new message board run by author JA Konrath. Seek it here.

He is having a super flash fiction contest. Here is my first entry. Story has to be seventy words OR LESS. This was my first experience with flash fiction. I quite enjoyed it and intend to write some more. I would be most interested in any feedback.

Pop over yourself, take a stab.



Debt Collection by Spiny Norman

Solid footfalls stopping just outside the hotel room door. My whiskey soaked breath making me sick. ESPN on the cheap TV, replaying the final highlights of the game again and again.

Showing the buzzer beater. The impossible shot.

The money.

Gone.

A single knock at the door. No need to ask who it is. No strength in my legs to open it.

No matter.

It will all be over soon.



Thoughts?

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Ode To Joy ala Beaker

OK...this video amused me WAY MORE than it probably should have...

Embedded Video

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An open letter to the Oklahoma Department of Transportation (ODOT)

Dear Sir or Madam (Or Y'all...whatever you prefer),

I am a 34 year old man who is in your state currently visiting in-laws. Yes I know that sounds painful and I thank you in advance for your commiserative wince, but there is something giving me much greater discomfort than that. It is something I have had to deal with on a daily basis. And it inspires a question, which is the purpose for this letter. Can I ask you just what the hell is up with the roads in Tulsa?

No really.

Riding in a van on these roads is like trying to drive over a recently demolished building. It is the vehicular equivalent of the bumper card ride at an amusement park. Do car dealerships in Tulsa sell cars with cup holders? It is a wasted feature if they do. Even the staunchest of cup holders cannot prevent the major spillage that occurs from a drive through town.

In all fairness and in the spirit of full disclosure, I should tell you that I had hernia surgery a little more than two weeks ago, so every bump and jolt carries more of a punch than it would otherwise. But even taking that into account, there can be no possible defense for the poor condition of the roads here. I've seen three dimensional maps of the Adirondack Mountains that looked flatter than the surfaces of some of the Tulsa streets I have ridden on.

Example. Driving down one stretch of Highway 169 I decided to count pot holes. I believe I gave up after ten. The surface of the "streets" around here are so pock-marked and uneven they rival the surface of the moon. I witnessed great cracked lines in the asphalt concrete that were filled in with tar that looked like it had been applied by a preschool age child with a penchant for coloring outside the lines. It would not surprise me in the least bit if I were to learn that Tulsa sells more shock absorbers per capita than any other American city. What do you people spend your money on around here? It sure as hell can't be on road upkeep.

Is there some reason the roads are so bad? Do the people who live in Tulsa enjoy this type of headache inducing driving? Is there some public official taking all the money that is supposed to be funneled for road maintenance and blowing it all at the casinos I see signs for every place I seem to turn? Is it an Oklahoma thing? I was in Kansas a few days ago and those roads were in far better shape. What's the story ODOT?

The roads in my home state of Delaware are by no means perfect but at least I don't have to worry about losing teeth when I drive over them. It is my humble suggestion that someone get up off their over sized haunches and fix this problem. Driving to Claude's for a burger should not feel like a contact sport.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I have to go take two Percosets because my daughter wants me to drive her to Sonic.

Respectfully (kind of),

Brian H.


Editor's note: The author of this letter does not want to give the impression that visiting his in laws is a hell so deep there is no escape from it. Nothing could be further from the truth. The author wants to state unequivocally that his in laws are fine upstanding Americans and that he enjoys their company very much. The line in the letter above about visiting them being painful was put in simply for comedic effect. May he be eternally cursed to drive the roads of Tulsa if he is lying.

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My 100 things...

A lot of blogs have one. Since I am still in somewhat of a drug induced stupor (all hail the maker of Percocet), I figured now is the time. Here goes...

1. I am 34. There is life after thirty it seems, though for me it appears to be full of hernia operations and pain meds. And a slowly receding hairline...
2. I am a husband. Of a beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman. She may be older than me but she keeps up...(I am getting couched for that one)
3. I am a father. She is smarter than me, funnier then me, and cuter than me. She inspires me each day to try to be the man I ought to be and is always there with a hug and a kiss when I need them most.
4. I love to read. Take a gifted writer, give them a good story to tell and you will have me captivated for days on end.
5. I am a teacher. And I do it willingly...
6. I have a Beagle. We rescued her from 'Scary Dog Man' five years ago. She is emotionally unstable and likes to chew Motrin.
7. Monty Python is god. Don't think I need to add any more actually.
8. I like movies. Though for me the book is always preferable, the only thing that rivals my book collection is my DVD collection.
9. I live in Delaware. **Insert joke about the size of Delaware here**
10. I am a Phillies fan. Yes...the only professional sports organization with more than 10,000 losses. Those Phillies...and don't say anything about them cause then we will have to fight.
11. I am an Eagles fan. I know...glutton for punishment. E-A-G-L-E-S...EAGLES!
12. Like any good Philly fan I HATE the Mets, Yankees, Cowboys, Giants, Redskins, Penguins, Red Wings, and the Celtics. These terms are non-negotiable.
13. My wife rides a mountain bike. I watch...
14. I love to cook on the grill. Beer can chicken...mmmmmm.
15. I was a drama geek in high school. I played Bilbo Baggins as a sixth grader in the high school production of The Hobbit. In some ways, it has been all downhill from there...
16. My brother is not gay. But he has a huge Eeyore tattoo on his back that makes him LOOK gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that...
17. I am primarily Italian, Irish and Welsh. This means I am a bad tempered drunk who never rats on his friends and has a lovely singing voice.
18. I like to take pictures. Now if I could only get the damn neighbors to drop the restraining order...
19. Ka is like a wheel. I applaud you if you know why this is here at number nineteen.
20. I love to play disc golf. It's golf...with discs...it's fun...no really...it is...I promise...
21. I like to write. Guess this would be a huge waste of time if I didn't...
22. I like to read aloud to my daughter. Our favorite book to read aloud is called 'Climbing the Daddy Mountain'. It is a great book but my nether regions have taken quite the pounding from my daughter's attempts to live it out.
23. I laugh out loud when I read something funny. As a result I am not allowed to read writers like Christopher Moore or Carl Hiassen in bed...I must read them down on the couch where my bursts of laughter will only keep the Motrin chewing Beagle awake.
24. Jack Bauer kicks ASS! You know he does...
25. I voted for President Bush. And I deeply, deeply apologize...
26. I like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Sugar coated pieces of heaven...
27. I almost killed myself when I was sixteen. It involved a three-wheeler and the desire to impress girls. Seventy stitches later...
28. I like NASCAR. I married into it...what can I say...(and it has nothing to do with number 25).
29. I only wear cargo shorts. It is not a fashion statement...they have pockets big enough to hold a book and I always have a book with me so...
30. My house is over one hundred years old. I think our attic is haunted by a smallish ghost with a predilection for Victorian era Homilies...
31. I am politically moderate. Extreme Lefties and Extreme Righties are simply characteratures who either can't or won't try to see both sides of an issue.
32. I like the word Asshat. As in 'Michael Savage is an asshat for his sycophantically stupid comments about autism'.
33. I enjoy spending time Geocaching. Check it out...www.geocaching.com
34. I ran the bases at Veteran's Stadium when I was a kid. Got on the field for the Phanatic's birthday. I remember thinking the turf felt just like my grandmother's back porch.
35. I ran into a rosebush when I was a child. I never claimed to be a smart kid...
36. I like listening to podcasts.
37. Kevin Smith rocks. In a row?!?
38. I have a hairy ass. Thank you ancestors...
39. I attended bible college for two years. I got in trouble for going to the movies to see Mrs. Doubtfire. True story.
40. I like to people watch. Not in a creepy, illegal way...seriously...
41. I only wear sandals in the summer. Makes for great tan lines on my feet.
42. Forty-two is my favorite number. Deepthought and I know why...
43. I HATE "reality" TV. Hate it. Wouldn't throw water on it if it was burning to death kind of hate it...
44. Thursday Next is my hero. I want to work at Jurisfiction some day.
45. Browseabout Bookstore is my favorite book store in the world! This place is not only the best in Delaware...it is absolutely the best independent book store I have ever been in. If you are ever in the Rehobeth Beach area you HAVE to go there. You will not be disappointed.
46. The hotwings at the Miltonian Pizzeria & Wing House in Milton, DE are AWESOME! Best wings in Delaware!
47. I can't believe I am only at forty-seven. Why did I start doing this?
48. I love my X-Box 360. When it works...
49. I sang A Capella in high school and college. Lots of practice in bathrooms.
50. I grew up near a drive-in theatre. My friend's dad ran the projector and I went to a lot of movies for free. Those were the days...
51. I hate flying. I am not afraid of the actual flight. It is dealing with all the associated BS with the airlines I can't stand. Would rather chew broken glass actually.
52. I have been to Alaska. In high school.
53. I put my hand through a window when I was eight. I was yelling at our dog to stop barking and I got a bit over excited. Three stitches...
54. I love history. Love to read about it and teach it.
55. I like LOTR more than Star Wars. Better story...all there is to it.
56. I am addicted to Fantasy Football. Yeah, I am that guy...CHAMPIONSHIP!
57. I spend too much time on the internets. Or so says my wife...
58. I like black olives. Right out of the can baby!
59. I worked at a WaWa in high school. Worst job I have ever had.
60. I worked in the library in college. Great time to finish homework.
61. I have a scar in the shape of Delaware on my right thumb. When I was in college I was helping a stranger jump the battery in her car. She started the car before I was ready for her to and the battery blew up in my face. Fortunately for me, the scar on my thumb is all that remains.
62. I got a hernia from cleaning the bathtub. Yes...from cleaning. Not doing something manly like re-grouting the tub or saving orphans from a fire. Cleaning...
63. The Shawshank Redemption is my favorite movie. Of all time. Ever.
64. There is no sixty-four.
65. I spend a lot of time at Theologyweb.com. It is a great community where Christians, Agnostics, Atheists, Muslims, Orthodox Jews, and Morphing Cats gather to discuss all things theological. It is a truly cool spot on the web.
66. I like ham. Especially Capicola...mmm...mmm...good!
67. Dill pickles are better than sweet pickles. Although...the Sweet Pickles did at one time have their own bus...
68. Dungeons and Dragons was my favorite Saturday morning cartoon as a wee lad. How can you not like a cartoon with voice talent like Willie Aames and Don Most?
69. I hit my brother (the one with the gay Eeyore tattoo) in the head with a railroad spike when we were kids. Some friends and I were trying to knock apples out of a tree. They were pretty high up and rocks were not working. We lived near some railroad tracks and there were dozens of rusty, discarded spikes lying around. We decided to use these to knock the apples free (I have mentioned earlier in this list that I was not a very bright child). So we began to toss these heavy iron spikes up into the tree. My brother, not realizing what complete asshats his brother and his brother's friends were, ran under the tree just as I launched a spike at an apple. I do not recall if I succeeded in hitting an apple but I did make contact with the back of my brother's head. To this day I STILL have not seen so much blood in one place outside of a Hellraiser movie.
70. I like to draw. Took art lessons as a kid. Now just do it for fun.
71. Wall-E and Guido are my two favorite Pixar character creations. More on these two guys later.
72. I can't dance. Not even a little bit.
73. I am a horrible ice skater. Have a bit more skills in this area than in the area of dance...but not many.
74. I talk in my sleep. One reason I would never cheat on my wife...
75. I like Broadway musicals. And I am secure enough to admit it.
76. I don't drink coffee. Love the smell...hate the taste.
77. I love Yeungling. My favorite beer. No froo-froo, fruity, snooty European beers for me thank you.
78. I have never had a hangover in my life. This could mean one of two things. One, I am immune to the affliction, which would make me one lucky SOB. Two, I just don't drink enough.
79. I have a talent for flatulence. Again...thank you ancestors.
80. My favorite series of books growing up was Dragonlance. A series I still love to this day...my wife calls them my "nerd books". I don't disagree but always ask her that, knowing this when she accepted my marriage proposal, what does that say about her?
81. I love trivia games. Lot of useless information rattling around this noggin of mine.
82. I almost killed my brother in a car accident when I was eighteen. I took on a Buick in my Pontiac Fiero and lost. Didn't even use a railroad spike this time...
83. I waited in line at midnight for Harry Potter books four through seven. Yeah...I am that guy as well...but at least I didn't dress up...
84. I love Gummy Bears. Who doesn't?
85. I use Firefox. If you don't...why the hell don't you?!?
86. My laptop is a Dell Inspiron 1526. It's blue.
87. Daniel Craig is the best James Bond. Period. It is a title that belonged to Connery until two years ago. If you wish to dispute this, please do so in the comments. Can't wait for Quantum of Solace.
88. I am a Libra. Whatever the hell that means.
89. I liked the fourth Indiana Jones movie. Yes, even with the nuked fridge.
90. I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me. Good thought there. Then again he was the walrus. I could be the Walrus but I would still have to bum rides off of people. (You MUST know what movie this comes from...)
91. My favorite movie theater food is pretzel bites and spicy cheese. Especially when they are freshly made.
92. I play volleyball in an adult rec league. Balls of Fire can't be beat. Well...yes we can...quite often actually...
93. I got a D in Home Ec when I was in seventh grade. We had to make a pair of pants and I sewed the legs shut. Martha Stewart I am not, nor ever have been. The D was a gift from a very merciful teacher...
94. I have been ticketed for speeding four times in my life. Now how's THAT for some serious street cred...
95. I make faces at myself in the mirror when no one is watching.
96. Iced Tea is my favorite beverage. Especially Turkey Hill Sweet Tea. The rivers in heaven will flow with this stuff.
97. The first stories I ever wrote were of the "Choose Your Own Adventure" variety. Myself and several friends would make the books out of lined paper stapled together. This was circa third, fourth grade. Chicks dug us...HARD.
98. I don't have a very big sweet tooth. Unless we are talking about the aforementioned gummy bears.
99. It is 1:44 AM. Holy crap...am I almost finished?
100. I hope I haven't bored you and that you have read all 100 things. Otherwise this was one huge waste of time and brain cells.

Travel Phenomena

Very tired. A lot has been going on which I will share at some point, but I haven't written in a few days and I miss it. So...just a slice before bed time.

We are out in Wichita (Thanks Hattie for the spelling correction) to visit the fam on my wife's side. Kansas is like Delaware except that is it flatter, there is no ocean, and there are a few more Walmarts.

We flew in yesterday. I am not much of a traveler and what I took as a strange phenomena, some may just take as regular business. We flew out of Philly (at seven in the friggin morning) and went to Memphis. There we got off, sprinted across the airport (why the hell do they always drop me at the farthest gate from my connecting flight? Is it planned out beforehand?), and struggled to get to our connecting flight to Tulsa. The two flights were pretty standard and not terribly thrilling. There was something at the end of each flight that made me smile. After the plane landed, on each flight, the pilot would make his standard "Welcome to __________(insert city name), the time is blah, blah, blah...the temperature is blah, blah, blah, we are glad you chose us, we are glad we didn't plummet to our deaths...yadda, yadda, yadda...". As he was running through the list in a bored, I could really care less voice, the airplane erupted in a chorus of music. At first I really couldn't figure out what it was. A hundred chimes, synthesized piano notes, and bleeps. On the second flight I figured it out. It was the sound of roughly a hundred people turning on their cell phones at approximately the same time. It was an amusing cacophany of tiny, electronic noise. Has anyone else noticed this while flying or was it just me?

In other news...the Phillies really tried to give a win to the Cardinals tonight. As I drift off to sleep the fightins are sitting at 61-50. That is two and a half in front of Florida and three in front of the Mutts (What was that...4 losses in a row New York?). There be a lot of baseball left...bring it on!

And on the Brett Favre front...I still don't give a spit. ESPN does...but then again, they seem to be of the opinion that there is no other NFL news without Favre.

It's late.

I am tired.

Shane Victorino ROCKS!



And if you came here looking for the naked pictures of Brett Favre...GET A LIFE SICKO!!!

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