The New Years Resolution or Why I Happily Lie to Myself.

"To lose those ten pounds...or fifteen...or twenty...or fifty."

"To read more than just the spare magazines in my doctor's office."

"To be a better person by spending time with my annoying ____________ (fill in family members name)."

"To give more to charity and less to the guys at Saturday night poker."

"To stop stalking housewives shopping at the local mall in their pajama jeans."

"To learn a foreign language so I can understand the Independent Film Channel."

"To finally get that weird boil that keeps changing colors on my ass looked at."

"To read my Bible, Koran, Talmud, Satanic Scriptures, copy of The Wiccan Rede, Book of Mormon, or Whatever Athiests Choose to Read, from cover to cover (whichever applies)."