The BSOD - a TRUE International Problem.

Tomorrow at approximately 3:30 PM Eastern Standard Time it will have been one week since a great tragedy occurred. The foul pestilence that has darkened my soul is not something that is uniquely mine to endure. This horrid occurrence happens to many and goes by different names in many different parts of the world.

In Germany the event is know as Der Blaue Schirm des Todes und der Geschlechtskrankheit. It is accompanied by much swearing and forced consumption of NON-ALCOHOLIC beer, the likes of which my PG rated blog will not allow me to describe. Know that not even the call of Oktoberfest can break a person from the hold of the Blaue Schrim (or the Geschlechtskrankheit for that matter).

In Italy, Lo Schermo Blu Ha Assassinato La Mia Madre Ed Ha Causato Ai Miei Bambini La Grande Vergogna as it has come to be known, affects the entire community. When it strikes, a solemn parade is formed, with the dead machine laid out in a tiny coffin. The march begins at the afflicted's household and drags its way through the streets of town to the door of the local stregone di calcolatore. The afflicted's family is required to dress in black every day they are kept apart, until they are reunited.

La Pantalla Azul Ha Dañado Mi Alma, Causada Mi Perro Para Ir Estéril, Y Causado Dios A Dar Vuelta De Mí En Vergüenza is cause for great sorrow in Spanish speaking countries. There is a direct link between the suicide rates of middle aged men and this horrible event.

The Chinese government denies that 不甚而Godzilla可能击败的蓝色屏幕 occurs but smuggled cell phone videos and You Tube footage say other wise. Truly the 蓝色屏幕 is an international scourge that needs to be addressed.

Here in America you may have experienced this traumatic event yourself. There is no support group you can attend, no 12-Step-Program-To-Recovery you can purchase. Here, as in other nations around the world, you are on your own, left to seek refuge in a world that has been violently turned upside down.

I have attempted the following penances to help gain absolution from this vile affront to simple happiness. Some have worked...others have not.

- Curl up in a fetal ball for days on end, sucking on a thumb while drooling profusely and muttering the word "blue" over and over again.

- Construct an effigy of Bill Gates from blue Play-Doh.

- Burn the effigy in the backyard, using copious amounts of gasoline if the Play-Doh will not light. An M-80 can also be used if you have access to one.

- Plead ignorance with the county fire marshal when he arrives to arrest you for breaking several ordinances.

- Prank call Bill Gates and tell him, using a Franco-Hungarian accent, that Steve Jobs is more of a man than he will ever be. Cackle manically. Then hang up.

- Head to a house of worship. When the local cleric asks of you your problem, inform him of your desire to cure the screen of blue. Ignore, as best you can, the echoes of his laughter when you try to sleep at night.

- Set off the sprinkler system in the local Apple store in the hopes that you might appease the gods of Microsoft that they might have pity upon your festering soul.

- Paint yourself an electric blue color from head to toe. Hang a sign around your neck that says VISTA. Then walk around the local mall babbling aloud that your boot record is corrupted.

- Attempt to construct a functional laptop using your daughter's Lite-Brite and a Sony Walkman. Burst into hysterical tears when this pathetic attempt fails.

- Try not to scream too loudly when you awaken at 3 in the morning for the 5th night in a row with the phantom feel of your laptop keys lovingly caressing the tips of your fingers.

- Write a pointless blog post about your problem, attempting to distract yourself with the mediocre use of humor. When your wife reads the post and doesn't think it is very funny, don't let her see how a piece of you dies inside.

If anyone else out there has other ways of dealing with The Blue Screen of Death...please...for the love of all that is bright, shiny, and NOT BLUE...help me, because as they say in Holland, "Het blauwe Scherm heeft me machteloos gemaakt en veroorzaakt mijn vrouw de naar liefde van de een andere mens en niet zelfs ABBA kan streven helpen...".




If you desire to know the English equivalent of the German, Italian, Spanish, Chinese, and Dutch phrases used in this blog post, I have included them in the comments section of the blog. Or you can plug them into Yahoo's Babel Fish and experience the joy of finding out for yourself.