It Was the Breast of Times...

Let me start by apologizing for the title of today's post. I know there are some who find body part puns childish and/or offensive in nature. If that includes you I recommend you surf away from The Hideaway right now and come back tomorrow. I am not discussing anything overly inappropriate here, but there will be talk of topless nakedness herein...consider yourself warned (No Chris...no pictures. Sorry to disappoint you).

So we were driving over to my dad's today for a dip in the pool. The Peanut (who is now four and a half if you can believe that crazy math) was sitting in her car seat, pontificating as she so often does about the people she sees outside the car window. About two minutes into the journey she spots a young man walking down the road. He is not wearing a shirt, he has it draped over one shoulder in the heat of the day. Caroline begins to yell at this Sunday stroller.

"Hey you BOY! Put your shirt on. I don't wanna see that!" (Now, I know that those of you reading this who do not know The Peanut are thinking this is a piece of exaggerated dialogue. I also know that those of you who do know The Peanut are smiling because you have no difficulty whatsoever imagining her saying this. This is my daughter, no narrative exaggeration necessary.)

Fortunately the windows were up and the young man kept walking on his merry way, unaware that he was being criticized by a preschooler. The wife and I, after choking back laughter, a skill I still suck at as a parent, tried to tell her what she had said was not a nice thing to yell. The boy wasn't hurting anyone and it was hot out so he just wanted to feel a little relief from the heat.

She of course, being The Peanut, more full of a questions than a Jeopardy marathon, demanded to know why it is OK for a boy to walk down the street with no shirt on but it is not OK for a girl.

The Wife and I just looked at each other, parental panic passing between us.

"Uhh," I began. (I really know how to lay on the parental wisdom, don't I?) "That's just the way it is sweetheart."

I knew that answer was not going to fly. It was just a delaying tactic to formulate a more solid response.

I was right.

"Why?" my daughter wanted to know. Her favorite word. "That's not fair." Her favorite phrase.

The Wife, seeing my utter lack of direction as to where to take my response chipped in. "Babe, what do girls have that boys don't have?" (There is a loaded question if ever I have ever heard one.)

The Peanut thought for a second. "Long hair?"

"No, boys can have long hair," The Wife said.

"Freckles?"

"No boys have freckles...daddy has freckles right?"

The Peanut giggled. "Yeah. Ummm...dolls and dresses?"

I excel at making inappropriate jokes that are never as funny as I think they are. "No, some funny kinds of boys have those as well and they use the - OWWW!!"

My joke was cut off by a sharp poke in the ribs from The Wife.

"What do you mean daddy? What do you mean by funny?"

Yeah, I guess I deserved the poke. "Nothing kiddo, daddy was just joking."

With a glare in my direction, The Wife continued. "What do girls have under their shirts that boys don't?"

"Boobies?" (I can always be grateful to my mother for introducing this word into my daughter's vocabulary)

"Yes sweety. Girls keep theirs covered but boys don't have to," said the wife, which was pretty much the defense I had already tried.

"But I don't have boobies," said The Peanut. "See?" And she proceeded to hike her Dora and Boots t-shirt up over her head.

Booby talk with my 4 year old makes me uneasy enough as it is. "Put your shirt down!" I said. "Peanut, that is just the way things are," I continued to spout my fatherly wisdom. "Girls have to keep their shirts on and boys don't always have to."

Should I write a book on fatherly wisdom or what?

The Peanut was still not satisfied. "But why do...LOOK DADDY...A puppy!" Fortuitously a car drove by with a cute golden retriever puppy hanging it's head out of the window. This distraction promptly caused The Peanut to lose interest in the conversation.

We drove on for a minute or so more. As we drove I thought about the question.

"You know," I said to The Wife, "she brings up a good question."

I get nothing but a look from The Wife.

"No, really. Think about it. Why do we have that social norm in place do you think?"

"Are you trying to suggest that women should just walk around topless all the time?" asked The Wife with the verbal equivalent of a double edged sword.

I knew I was not just on shaky ground here, I was on ice as thin as a sheet of paper.

"OF COURSE NOT dear, that would be...uh...silly," I said. She grunted. I didn't get hit so I figured I could continue on for a bit.

"All I meant was why is it that way? Where do you think it came from? If we grew up in a world where everyone was free to walk around as topless as they wanted to be, do you think there would be a big deal about it?"

"No, probably not," she said.

"So it is a fair question then right? Why is it socially acceptable for a man to walk around topless and not a woman?"

She thought about it for a second as we pulled into my dad's driveway. "I guess it is a pretty interesting question."

So I offer it here, on this blog. Be you male or female, why do YOU think it is socially acceptable for a man to be shirtless but not a woman? Or maybe you think it isn't acceptable. Post your opinion in the comments section. Let's make this the breast conversation in the Hideaway yet.

(Yes, I know I used the same unfunny, possibly offensive pun in this post. I figured since most people are born with two that I should do the same...in hindsight it wasn't anywhere near as funny as I wanted it to be. THIS is why I should not stay up so late writing.)


NOVEL UPDATE: Got 681 more words in tonight. Brings the new total to 2.233.

God Help Me Now...

Well I did it.

I jumped in the water, clothes, shoes, and all (but I took enough time to place my Treo and my Ipod Touch a safe distance from the water because I love those two little machines).

I have been wanting to do it for 10 years, always putting it off for one lame excuse or another. Well tonight, I finally did it. I began to write a novel.

I do not know where it will go or how far it will take me. I don't know if anyone will ever read it or if it will sit in a trunk in my attic to be uncovered and dusted off by my grandchildren after I die.

But I have started it. It is no longer a should be doing. It is now an AM doing (I know that sentence is a grammatical travesty and I do apologize).

I will be using this blog, as well as my friends in my writer's group to keep me motivated. I know this is going to be a long, arduous journey. I feel like I have decided I want to see the Great Wall of China but have decided for some bizarre reason to WALK there...with no money...or treo...or Ipod. In other words, a long damn walk with a lot of obstacles in the way. But I am walking.

I will probably keep word and chapter counts updated here. Motivation for me, curiosity for my six readers.

I got in 1,553 words tonight...1st draft of chapter one.

Gotta run...the Great Wall of China is a long way away and I already have to pee.

Sticking my big toe into the pool...

I have stood at the edge of the great void that is my unfulfilled and until now, unvoiced dream; that of writing and publishing stories for people to read and enjoy, perhaps even be inspired by (or at least get some laughs). I have always loved to write and recently I have taken to writing here on the blog and writing down many of the silly fictions that live in my head. Some have been so awful I am surprised the computer did not shut down in disgust, refusing to have the horrible words rest upon its glowing screen, even if for only for a brief time. But others have been pretty OK I think, and have gotten positive reviews from those who have read them.

Yesterday I approached that vast, mysterious void and placed my big toe into its frigid waters.

I took one of my short stories and turned it into an eBook. It can be found living at two sites.

If you are the proud owner of a Kindle, you can pop over to Amazon.com and type my name, Brian D. Horne in the search window and they will take you to my Kindle page. Or you could just click here.

For some reason Amazon has not uploaded the description of the story to the page yet so I will include it here, and the eBooks dedication...


Teaching is a difficult profession, with its own unique set of demands and challenges. A young man who thinks he has a handle on this fact finds out one day that he is wrong. Dead wrong. While administering the state examination he finds out how difficult, and how deadly, teaching can really be.


Dedication for The Testing Police

This eBook was originally written for Val. It is also dedicated to hard working, professional educators everywhere who have to contend with the cosmic silliness that is standardized state testing.



The other site where you can find my first eBook is over at Smashwords. What I like about this site is they offer nine choices for how one can download the story. You don't have to own a Kindle. You could have another kind of digital reader or just the browser you are using to read this here blog. As my wife always says...it's all about choices!


If you have the time and are so inclined please check it out. Teachers especially will like the story I think, but you don't have to be a teacher to get and enjoy it.

If you do pick up the story, I would be eternally grateful if you could take a moment or two to review it. Either site, Amazon or Smashwords, has a section where you can let me (and the rest of the world) know what you thought about it.

Thank you for your time dear friends, I know how valuable it is.

If you DO grab and read the story, come back here and tell me what you think the note said. I look forward to reading any responses.

My toe is getting cold...time to decide if I should take my foot out of the water or just dive right in, clothes and all.

FPS Disease...act NOW...before it's too late!

Please pay attention to this very important public service announcement.




If you or someone you know suffers from this affliction there IS hope. My wife and I are starting a local Delaware support group.

Message me if you want to learn more.

On Pixar, a list.

The Wife, the Peanut, and I went to the movies a few days ago. We paid (many) shekels to see the movie in Disney 3D, a first for me. I hadn't been to a 3D movie in years, back when you had the cardboard glasses with the red and blue flimsy lenses. The technology, I am happy to say, has improved greatly. The Ray-Ban like Real 3D glasses are not only much more aesthetically pleasing than their clunky predecessors...they work better too. The Peanut was transfixed, attempting to clutch the 3D images right out of the air.

I am a huge fan of Pixar. They hooked me in 1995 when they confirmed what my inner child has always known to be true, that toys come to life when we humans get out of their way, and John Lasseter and company have yet to let me down. Their latest offering, UP, continues their streak of movie making perfection. As I always do when I see a new Pixar movie I have to decide where it falls in the pantheon of their collected work. UP is not one that I can classify right away. I enjoyed it so much that another viewing or two will be required to judge where it should fall. But in the mean time I offer this list, hoping it will inspire much debate, discussion, and ultimately, more love for these nine wonderful movies.

9. A Bug's Life.

The problem with ranking a list of films is that some film always has to come last. When I showed my list to my brother his first reaction was "Hey! I love Bug's Life. Why is it last?" Just because Bug's Life fell to number nine on my list does not mean I dislike it. The opposite is in fact true. I love A Bug's Life. The rendering of the world from an insects perspective was an amazing feat. BL has some of my all time favorite Pixar characters, which will make another excellent blog at some point. Tuck and Roll, Francis the Ladybug, and Heimlich are some of Pixar's best creations. Kevin Spacey as Hopper; one of their best villains. It is a well written story that is masterfully told in Pixar's unique way. A nine seed does not indicate dislike.

8. Ratatouille

I remember reading the premise for Ratatouille and not being very interested. A rat who likes to cook? How could I possibly care about that? At least Bug's Life had a story where oppressed ants learned to fight back and win their independence from a caste of bullying grasshoppers. But a rat who cooks? I made sure to reserve time to see it as I do with all Pixar movies, but this is the one I went into most nervous that I wouldn't like it. I was happy that my nervousness was proven unnecessary. Ratatouille works because I think many of us who have dreamed dreams that seem out of reach can instantly relate to Remy. As Ego says in the closing moments of the film "Not everyone can be a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere." Remy's rise to cooking fame, in spite of what nature bore him to be, speaks to all who dare to dream about anything. Ratatouille is fantastic, with one of my favorite scenes in any Pixar film. The old lady with the gas mask and the shotgun drives me to silly giggles each time I see it. That entire sequence is one of Pixar's best.

7. Toy Story 2

I like sequels as long as they follow three conditions:

1. They return the characters from the first film without any major changes.

2. While the characters are the same, the story is not. References to the prior film are
acceptable, but the driving force of the plot needs to be different.

3. They can introduce us to new characters that enrich the world the movie is set in, not
distract from it.

Happily, Toy Story 2 filled all three requirements. All my favorite toys were back, and the additions were great. The story, a classic buddy adventure, was well written. Excellent moments include Woody's creepy dream of being thrown away by Andy because of his broken arm, the Barbie doll guide in the toy store, any scene Wayne Knight was a part of (Newman ROCKS), the "New" Buzz, and Kelsey Grammer as Stinky Pete, one of the more subtly evil characters in any Pixar movie.

The scene where Jessie recounts for Woody the tale of her former owner Emily's growing up and what that meant for Jessie, told to the beautifully written and performed song "When She Loved Me" ranks as one of Pixar's most moving.



6. Cars

I am a NASCAR fan. I was not born one, I married into it. Still holding off on growing the mullet, but a lot of the jokes in Talladega Nights did hit uncomfortably close. I very much looked forward to the release of Cars in 2006. What's not to like about cars that not only race, but taunt each other while they do so? I knew this one was a no-brainer and I was right. It is an old story given a new shine, so to speak. Pampered, spoiled, prima donna goes through a trial and comes out on the other side humble, kind, transformed. It is a story that resonates because we all know we have things in our character that we should change or at the very least clean up and it is good to experience a world where some person (or car) is able to do so successfully. I also liked the movie's sub plot, a commentary on the death of small town America and a tribute to its memory, captured beautifully in a montage backed by James Taylor's song Our Town.

Cars also has might might be my all time favorite piece of dialogue in any Pixar film...

LIGHTNING MCQUEEN: I'm serious! He's won THREE Piston Cups!

MATER: [spits out the fuel he was drinking] He did WHAT in his cup?

Cars also has Guido, my favorite character out of any other they have created.



5. Toy Story

In some ways this will always be my sentimental favorite, the one where I was introduced to John Lasseter and Pixar magic. Rarely have I walked out of a movie theater so in awe of what I have just seen the way I did back in 1995. I was initially blown away by the animation. It was something totally new, totally original. Sure I had seen computer animation in other movies but never before had I seen the technology used to tell an entire story. It was mind blowingly awesome. I talked about it for weeks afterward, much to the annoyance of friends and family. Then, after repeated viewings in the theatre the story really began to sink in. The plot, the characters, the dialogue...so well developed. Toy Story contains one of my top three scenes out of any Pixar film. It is the scene in Sid's yard when Buzz is strapped to the rocket, awaiting a messy end. Using "zombie toys" to exact revenge on Sid makes me laugh each time I see it. In a movie filled with amazing and memorable moments, it is the one that steals the show.

4. Finding Nemo

So a young fish gets separated from his father. The father must brave the dangers of the ocean to rescue his son, who has been nabbed by a human. Much like Ratatouille, when I first read about the premise of the movie my interest was not peaked. Cute fish movies? Yeah...no thanks. But then I saw the trailer with Dory and Marlin. At that point I was hooked (pun SLIGHTLY intended). Nemo is the most visually stunning of Pixar's ten films, only the space scenes from Wall-E even come close. Nemo also has the second most touching opening, when Marlin's wife is killed protecting the newly hatched eggs. Albert Brooks, Ellen DeGeneres, Willem Dafoe, and Geoffrey Rush all turn in superb voice work as does the rest of the "tank gang". The shark support group 'Fish Eaters Anonymous' is also a personal favorite.

But the best scene in the entire film is when Darla is in the dentist's chair and everything goes haywire. As the dentist chases Nigel around the tiny room the camera cuts to a young boy sitting on a bench in the office (reading an Incredibles comic by the way) with his mother. The boy's mouth drops open into the comically universal symbol for shocked astonishment...that perfect O. The camera cuts back to the action and moments later cuts back to the lobby where other adults have begun to look in with shocked curiosity...and the boy's expression has not changed at all.

3. Monster's Incorporated

Next to Wall-E, Monster's Inc is the most original and clever story. I was afraid of monsters growing up...weren't we all? The idea that these monsters were just working stiffs, pulling a nine to five job at a power plant is creative story telling at its finest. These monsters don't really want to scare kids, not most of them anyway. It is simply a job-nothing personal. Sulley and Mike are the best two man (monster) team in the Pixar universe. Steve Buscemi as Randall is one of Pixar's best villains. The movie is as funny as it is clever. Monster's Incorporated has the best ending out of all the other films. It is the first Pixar movie that actually gave me a lump in my throat and caused a tear to trace its way down my cheek. When Sulley opens the reconstructed door and hears Boo call his name, the look of pure and unashamed joy that lights up his furry features can STILL get me when I watch it. I had never been so moved by an animated film before. And the only ones that have been able to do so since have been Pixar.

2. The Incredibles

The Incredibles held the top spot until last summer. This is one that I wanted to see as soon as I read the premise. It really captured my imagination...what WOULD super heroes do if they were no longer allowed to be supers? Super though they may be, they still put their pants (tights) on one leg at a time, like we all do. There's not much that I don't like about The Incredibles. The characters are excellent...Edna Modes is a top ten favorite. Jason Lee as Syndrome is excellent as well...I wish they hadn't offed him, as much as I did enjoy the running gag about the capes.

Who doesn't like the scene where Samuel L. Jackson's character Frozone is getting ready for a date night with his wife when the Omnidroid lumbers past his high-rise window, spewing destruction in its wake?



1. Wall-E
Wall-E is the most perfectly told story of the Pixar films. The beginning is brilliant, not a single word of dialogue, with the exception of some simple, one word communication between two robots, for more than a half hour. But lack of dialogue does not equal lack of story. Like the silent film masters of old, Andrew Stanton draws us into his story without a single complete sentence during that time. Wall-E is my second favorite Pixar creation to date (I can't imagine anyone knocking Guido off...although Dug from UP might come close). At his core he wants what we all want...to be loved. Wall-E is a love story. Yes there are those that say it is an environmental move, that it is a movie about the dangers of dependence on too much technology, that it is a movie about obese Americans, that it is a movie about solipsism. It may contain elements of all those things but for me, it is simply a wonderful story about that deepest of all needs that we all have, the longing for love and acceptance. It is funny, moving, and flawlessly executed. Wall-E is not only my top Pixar movie...it is also pretty high up on my all time best movies list as well.






So that's my list. I would really like to know what you think. Agreements, disagreements, corrections...all are welcome to jump into the comments section and contribute.

As Ego says in the closing seconds of Ratatouille, "Surprise me!" What is YOUR favorite Pixar movie?