I Am My Own Worst Enemy

Most days I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent and well-read guy. Not Mensa Society material to be sure, but comfortably in possession of a better than average intelligence. Other days I feel like I am one corked-fork poke in the eyepatch away from being Ruprecht.

Today was one of those Ruprecht days.

The Peanut spent the night with her grandparents and she successfully lobbied to spend the day after swimming in mom-mom's pool. Finding ourselves presented with a free morning, the wife and I decided to go catch a movie. So at 11:00 we hopped in the car and drove to the theater to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

We got to the theater, mortgaged our home to afford two tickets, bought a small popcorn and a thimble full of soda, and headed for theater #9. As I passed the men's room nature's call grabbed my attention and, not wanting to miss any of the movie, I answered.

I walked into the empty stall swinging my keys in my hand, whistling the song Ma Nama Na. Why that particular song? I don't know. I already told you...it was a Ruprecht day.

I shut the door to the stall and went to unbutton my shorts when I realized that is not a task I can accomplish with my keys in hand. Now, on a Non-Ruprecht day I would put them in my pocket, as any slightly intelligent human being would do. But my mind was on the ridiculous song I was whistling and the movie I was looking forward to seeing so I put the ring of keys in the corner of my mouth.

(I think you can see where this is going)

There I stood, getting ready to take care of business with my keys hanging from my teeth, still humming that stupid song. Just as the flow was about to begin I got to the big "Ma NAMA Na" part of the song and instead of continuing to whistle, I opened my mouth to sing it loud and proud. Gravity, sensing it's opportunity, grabbed those keys and guided them straight into that questionably cleaned movie theater toilet.

There I stood, my pants around my ankles, mouth agape, staring at my green Eagles house key lying at the bottom of that porcelain bowl. With a silent thanks to the gods of urination that I had not yet commenced my bladder emptying activities, I quickly grabbed the keys out of the bowl and dropped them on the floor. This wonderful experience was accompanied by some colorful language from yours truly that I won't repeat here.

After completing my task, I washed the keys in the bathroom sink and put them in my pocket. Caught the movie (enjoyed it for the most part) and headed home.

The keys?

They are sitting in boiling water right now. I am debating just getting a new set.

Today was definitely a Ruprecht day.